Error Report. Send or Don't Send?

Ahh, we've all seen these messages pop up when our computer is on the fritz. To send or not to send, that is the question. Who exactly is in charge of fielding these error reports? This guy?

Guy over at Microsoft: Ahh look, it's "The Val" with one of our cheaper model Laptops, he just sent us an error report, let me get the easel, it's time to brainstorm. Put the other 34,939 reports we've received in the last four seconds aside. This is a DEFCON 3. It seems he was looking at three websites at the same time and his computer froze up on him. He chose to send us the error report, so he's irritated already so lets tread lightly. Gentleman we can rebuild this. We have the technology.

No one would be willing to take this job, unless they were lacking a soul. A person with absolutely no regard for human life. Cue the "How do we kill that which has no life?" South Park episode. Sending this error report is like being at the DMV with everyone who's on the internet at the exact same time. Good luck hearing back from Mr. Gates on this one.

What Are You Gonna Do When Mr. Blagojevich's Supporters Run Wild All Over You?

The State House of Representatives deliberated less than an hour and a half before voting 114 to 1 to impeach Mr. Blagojevich, making him the first Illinois chief executive to face such a trial.

Several hours after the vote, Mr. Blagojevich, a two-term Democrat, called the news conference at his downtown Chicago office. He denounced the state legislature, quoted inspirational poetry and recited a litany of accomplishments.

- NY Times


Yes this picture was actually in the New York Times. After being impeached in the house, Mr. Blagojevich was able to salvage a few supporters from the key demographics. That means, literally 1 person from each demographic. This would be what the aliens would take back to their home planet to show what Earth's offering.

His remaining supporters are as follows:

1. Someone Mr. Blagojevich owes money too, and apparently refuses to pay.

2. Tom Smykowski from Office Space. (He had the Jump to Conclusions Mat idea)

3. A transgender Jobless The Hut.

4. This Asian kid who was wandering the streets was told he would receive an extremely sour Warhead in exhange for his support. He complied.

5. OK, one of his supporters is a dead baby. This kid is deceased. He was under the impression the Coors Light cold activated bottle was a good idea. His sentence was carried out swiftly.

6. I can't go on. I feel like there should be a Centaur in there somewhere.

Panda Watch!

BEIJING—A panda at the Beijing zoo bit his third tourist in two years -- and this time, his jaws had to be forced open to free the man, who had jumped in to retrieve his son's toy.

Gu Gu, a 240-pound (110-kilogram) panda, mauled the man's legs and refused to let go until zookeepers pried his jaws open with tools, said a zoo spokeswoman surnamed Gong. She would not give her full name, as is common among Chinese officials.

Gu Gu first made news in 2007 when he bit a drunken tourist who jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The tourist retaliated by biting the panda in the back.In October, Gu Gu viciously bit a teenager who climbed into his exercise area out of curiosity. Police were investigating, and it was not clear yet if the victim would face criminal charges, Gong said

-Associated Press

Now I tried to get an interview with Gu Gu but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.

Alright, Ive been to the zoo plenty of times when I was younger, and yeah it was great, I saw the animals, they weren't from around here, whatever. I have questions three.

1.Have I been missing out on the zoo now that I'm an "adult"?
2.Were my parents shitting their pants drunk every time they brought me to the zoo and boxing kangaroos behind my back?
3. Why isn't "When Animals Attack" on anymore?

This is a classic case of network exec's refusing to remove there blindfolds. You put one camera around Gu Gu's pen and you have your next American Idol. Apparently in China a standard trip to the zoo involves drinking heavily and panda-fighting. You can cut the shit with this guy climbing in out of "curiosity." My only problem is that these people are saved, and hospitalized. I would like to see the same rules as the Thunderdome, "Two man enter, one man leave" policy be enforced here.

P.S. Who is this zoo official "Gong" trying to fool? Nice alias pal. I'm certain that you're the person who's actually responsible for setting up these Panda matches, setting odds, and supplying the liquor. What kind of Panda Fight Operation (PFO) is Gong running anyways? I'm gonna shoot him an email.

Coors Light Stumbles Upon Innovative Technology

So the geniuses over at Coors Light who poured Keystone Light into a graduated cylinder and then poured it into a Coors Light bottle have really outdone themselves this time. Introducing the new cold activated bottle! How people were just going on about their business without this invention, I'll never know. This "device" allows the consumer the ability to know when their product is cold by a sticker turning blue. Well I guess I can finally drink beer now. I was real shaky prior to this. Is this honestly necessary Coors Light? Seriously? No seriously are you serious? I'm picturing two idiots looking quizzically at a bottle like Zoolander and Hansel looking at a computer, "Ohhh the files are in the computer!"

If you can't tell if something is cold by touching it or tasting it, I say death penalty. If you think that's too harsh or if you can come up with a scenario in which touching it or tasting it would not be available than it's the death penalty for you as well.

FavreSucks.com? Make it Your Homepage

Is it heresy as a Pats fan to suggest that I'd rather the Jets pick up a stud QB, and become a legitimate threat in the AFC than to keep the diarrhea in a can they have now, Brett Favre? Well I don’t care, I'm committing it, and if the Pats Faithful seek the death penalty for me, than so be it. Burn me at the stake, chop off my head, place it up high on a pike for all of the townspeople to see. You can even draw a dick on my face. I cannot stand this guy. The Truman-Show-Coverage offered by ESPN on this overrated abomination is unparalleled by anything on television. ESPN'S, golden-god they treat him like a king. Brett, the modern day King Tut. I guess I can see it, THE GUY IS NEARLY MUMMIFIED. He has more picks than that creepy kid’s nose in the back of the class in third grade. He's just not good, period. I'm not concerned with what he forgot on his latest grocery list ESPN, keep it to yourself.

The only chance he is successful in the NFL next season will be if his opponents are running the Wrangler Jeans defensive schemes, and even then I wouldn't take him against the spread.

After Favre single handedly flushed the Patriots playoff hopes, I hopped on the computer to see if www.favresucks.com existed, and of course it was up and running. Someone clearly had their light bulb turned on before mine. But whoever is in charge over there at Brett-Sucks HQ, is sleeping on the job or must have been assassinated by an ESPN exec. because it's not nearly up to par. Give me that domain name and I won't rest my eyes until it gets more hits than Google.

Mans Eaten 23,000 Big Macs Since 1972

FOND DU LAC, Wis.—A 54-year-old man says his obsessive-compulsive disorder drove him to eat 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years. Fifty-four-year-old Don Gorske says he hit the milestone last month, continuing a pleasurable obsession that began May 17, 1972 when he got his first car.

The only day he skipped a Big Mac was the day his mother died, to respect her request.

-Boston Globe

This story reminds me of the Adam Sandler Fatty Mcgee skit. "Ohhh Fatty, your so fat." This woman's dying wish is that her son doesn't Big Mac for one day!? How to dream big lady. She doesn't go for anything longer than that? Don't eat a Big Mac for the rest of the month...rest of the year...or how about dropping them from the "diet" altogether? "I just can't quit you Big Mac." I want too see this guy on Intervention as soon as possible.

God, Hurt

My equilbrium was shook to death when Bernard Pollard viciously attacked Brady's knee this past Sunday. I felt like an Etch-a-Sketch in Muhammad Ali's hands. I grew woozy when Brady hobbled off and the minutes creeped by, closing the window of hope. Sammy Morris was getting touch after touch, so I decided Maroney must be making the ultimate sacrifice and force feeding his adrenal gland to Brady in the locker room. This was the Patriots dynasty here, hanging in the balance. It's important to note that Brady is truly the next step in the evolutionary chart. I was under the impression that he can't be touched by mere mortals. At the very least, Brady was going to be coming down that tunnel eating a human arm, waving to the fans with it. I waited and waited but he remained absent. It was like when The Little Rascals prized go-cart "The Blur" was stolen by local neighborhood bullies Butch and Woim. The soap box derby race or "Superbowl" seemed to be all but over. Bernard Pollard stole our Blur. Anyone that knows anything knows that those little rascals built a rag-tag replacement, and even though it wasn't as pretty as it was before, they beat those bullies anyway. If there's one person that can build a Blur 2 in Matt Cassel and win this race it's Bill Belichick. It's just not going to be as smooth of a ride.

Dreadlock Deadlock?

Newsday has pronounced the current debacle in LA between Manny Ramirez and Joe Torre over the cutting of Manny's hair for his new team the "Dreadlock Deadlock." I personally think that this headline is beyond terrible, who's in charge over there? I'd like your resignation on my desk in the morning. I hate you Newsday, I hate you. However I do like the idea of a manager telling Manny what to do, because this guy has yet to actually deal with an authority figure his entire life. He's suplexing senior Red Sox employees over tickets and Red Sox Nation forgets about it in under a week. However we're talking about Torre regulating hair length, not adolescent ego in this case, Torre shouldn't be focused on this. I feel like it's something for the fans to enjoy, Johhny Damon with the Geico Caveman look was beloved by the Fenway Faithful and look at Giambi with the mustache this year. Here's a guy who admitted to being on the juicy juice, and soon after he's a fan favorite. Not like he had an option...you compare his Rookie Card to to his picture now followed by a picture of the Koolaid's mascot and you have to start realizing that his head is of FICTIONAL size. This guys a goddam cartoon. His head looks like an orange on a toothpick. It has its own weather system. Anyways...The point is unless Manny's hair is getting in the way of knocking runs in which it is not, ( .475 BA, 850 SLG, 4HR in 10 G) Torre needs to relax. Let the guy skip the barber.

Creepy Pedroia in Sullivan Tire Commercials (Barstool Submission)

Listen, I understand that Red Sox players are pro athletes, not actors. Having insane eye hand coordination doesn’t necessarily usher you into the Actors Studio. But these Sullivan Tire commercials are mangling our player’s images. All I ask is that you keep it simple. Give Dustin a bat, let him hit a few, look into the camera and say Go Sullivan Tire, Go Red Sox! Why do we have to have this awkward rendezvous at first base? This girl is shaking down Pedroia for square roots… “Do you have a computer?” That’s the line? That’s the FUCKING line…not, “do you have a calculator?” Who’s writing for this? Was this the same guy in charge of production that told El Prez to keep his bladder at maximum capacity so that his interviews on Boston.TV would make him look like a crazed string puppet from Team America? I didn’t think anyone else could challenge the level of audience discomfort that the human accordion El Prez delivered until this commercial. The camera pans out and Pedroia stands up in front of the girl clenching his fists like a confused drunk. He looks like he should have a sixer of Smirnoff Ice and some Laffy Taffy, the next candidate to walk through the door on How to Catch a Predator. Did they have less than five minutes to put this commercial together? And take a peek at Old Man Sullivan bringing up the rear, here’s a guy with a stranglehold on reality. He looks like Doc in Back to the Future, who’s buying anything from you other than a time-traveling DeLorean? Put a hat on Sir. Cover up the crazy.

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