Creepy Pedroia in Sullivan Tire Commercials (Barstool Submission)

Listen, I understand that Red Sox players are pro athletes, not actors. Having insane eye hand coordination doesn’t necessarily usher you into the Actors Studio. But these Sullivan Tire commercials are mangling our player’s images. All I ask is that you keep it simple. Give Dustin a bat, let him hit a few, look into the camera and say Go Sullivan Tire, Go Red Sox! Why do we have to have this awkward rendezvous at first base? This girl is shaking down Pedroia for square roots… “Do you have a computer?” That’s the line? That’s the FUCKING line…not, “do you have a calculator?” Who’s writing for this? Was this the same guy in charge of production that told El Prez to keep his bladder at maximum capacity so that his interviews on Boston.TV would make him look like a crazed string puppet from Team America? I didn’t think anyone else could challenge the level of audience discomfort that the human accordion El Prez delivered until this commercial. The camera pans out and Pedroia stands up in front of the girl clenching his fists like a confused drunk. He looks like he should have a sixer of Smirnoff Ice and some Laffy Taffy, the next candidate to walk through the door on How to Catch a Predator. Did they have less than five minutes to put this commercial together? And take a peek at Old Man Sullivan bringing up the rear, here’s a guy with a stranglehold on reality. He looks like Doc in Back to the Future, who’s buying anything from you other than a time-traveling DeLorean? Put a hat on Sir. Cover up the crazy.

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