Mans Eaten 23,000 Big Macs Since 1972

FOND DU LAC, Wis.—A 54-year-old man says his obsessive-compulsive disorder drove him to eat 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years. Fifty-four-year-old Don Gorske says he hit the milestone last month, continuing a pleasurable obsession that began May 17, 1972 when he got his first car.

The only day he skipped a Big Mac was the day his mother died, to respect her request.

-Boston Globe

This story reminds me of the Adam Sandler Fatty Mcgee skit. "Ohhh Fatty, your so fat." This woman's dying wish is that her son doesn't Big Mac for one day!? How to dream big lady. She doesn't go for anything longer than that? Don't eat a Big Mac for the rest of the month...rest of the year...or how about dropping them from the "diet" altogether? "I just can't quit you Big Mac." I want too see this guy on Intervention as soon as possible.

God, Hurt

My equilbrium was shook to death when Bernard Pollard viciously attacked Brady's knee this past Sunday. I felt like an Etch-a-Sketch in Muhammad Ali's hands. I grew woozy when Brady hobbled off and the minutes creeped by, closing the window of hope. Sammy Morris was getting touch after touch, so I decided Maroney must be making the ultimate sacrifice and force feeding his adrenal gland to Brady in the locker room. This was the Patriots dynasty here, hanging in the balance. It's important to note that Brady is truly the next step in the evolutionary chart. I was under the impression that he can't be touched by mere mortals. At the very least, Brady was going to be coming down that tunnel eating a human arm, waving to the fans with it. I waited and waited but he remained absent. It was like when The Little Rascals prized go-cart "The Blur" was stolen by local neighborhood bullies Butch and Woim. The soap box derby race or "Superbowl" seemed to be all but over. Bernard Pollard stole our Blur. Anyone that knows anything knows that those little rascals built a rag-tag replacement, and even though it wasn't as pretty as it was before, they beat those bullies anyway. If there's one person that can build a Blur 2 in Matt Cassel and win this race it's Bill Belichick. It's just not going to be as smooth of a ride.

Dreadlock Deadlock?

Newsday has pronounced the current debacle in LA between Manny Ramirez and Joe Torre over the cutting of Manny's hair for his new team the "Dreadlock Deadlock." I personally think that this headline is beyond terrible, who's in charge over there? I'd like your resignation on my desk in the morning. I hate you Newsday, I hate you. However I do like the idea of a manager telling Manny what to do, because this guy has yet to actually deal with an authority figure his entire life. He's suplexing senior Red Sox employees over tickets and Red Sox Nation forgets about it in under a week. However we're talking about Torre regulating hair length, not adolescent ego in this case, Torre shouldn't be focused on this. I feel like it's something for the fans to enjoy, Johhny Damon with the Geico Caveman look was beloved by the Fenway Faithful and look at Giambi with the mustache this year. Here's a guy who admitted to being on the juicy juice, and soon after he's a fan favorite. Not like he had an option...you compare his Rookie Card to to his picture now followed by a picture of the Koolaid's mascot and you have to start realizing that his head is of FICTIONAL size. This guys a goddam cartoon. His head looks like an orange on a toothpick. It has its own weather system. Anyways...The point is unless Manny's hair is getting in the way of knocking runs in which it is not, ( .475 BA, 850 SLG, 4HR in 10 G) Torre needs to relax. Let the guy skip the barber.

Creepy Pedroia in Sullivan Tire Commercials (Barstool Submission)

Listen, I understand that Red Sox players are pro athletes, not actors. Having insane eye hand coordination doesn’t necessarily usher you into the Actors Studio. But these Sullivan Tire commercials are mangling our player’s images. All I ask is that you keep it simple. Give Dustin a bat, let him hit a few, look into the camera and say Go Sullivan Tire, Go Red Sox! Why do we have to have this awkward rendezvous at first base? This girl is shaking down Pedroia for square roots… “Do you have a computer?” That’s the line? That’s the FUCKING line…not, “do you have a calculator?” Who’s writing for this? Was this the same guy in charge of production that told El Prez to keep his bladder at maximum capacity so that his interviews on Boston.TV would make him look like a crazed string puppet from Team America? I didn’t think anyone else could challenge the level of audience discomfort that the human accordion El Prez delivered until this commercial. The camera pans out and Pedroia stands up in front of the girl clenching his fists like a confused drunk. He looks like he should have a sixer of Smirnoff Ice and some Laffy Taffy, the next candidate to walk through the door on How to Catch a Predator. Did they have less than five minutes to put this commercial together? And take a peek at Old Man Sullivan bringing up the rear, here’s a guy with a stranglehold on reality. He looks like Doc in Back to the Future, who’s buying anything from you other than a time-traveling DeLorean? Put a hat on Sir. Cover up the crazy.

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